Trawling for Business Offshore

On the High Seas, large ships drag vast nets along the ocean bottom, hoping to catch schools of helpless Fish Sticks. The IT equivalent are Offshoring Companies who cold-call businesses, trying to dredge up remote contract work.

Times must be tough for them - not a week has gone by without one of these firms ringing me out of the blue.

They always seem to follow the same screwy script. Somebody with a ludicrous title such as “Business Development Manager for Premier International Clients” introduces themselves as “Steve”, “Mike” or “Jane”. They’ve usually got thick Indian or Eastern European accents – perhaps their names really are Mike Jane or Steve but I’m guessing they think I’m somehow more likely to talk to them if I think they look exactly like me? That’s slightly insulting ;)

The conversation normally goes like this:

“Steve”: Hi, is this Nicholas?

Nick: Yes, speaking.

“Steve”: Hi, I am Steve from [Name withheld to protect the guilty]. I had a detailed look at your website and your focused approach towards Microsoft Technology. This focus presents tremendous opportunity between our companies to establish a mutual association towards IT outsourcing. [Name Withheld] is a mature, 200 person strong organization based out of [Somewhere]. We provide deep software engineering skills to the global software industry. We have a satisfied client base of more than 70+ companies spread across US and Europe.Our service areas include bespoke software development and testing services. We have a proficient team of IT professionals working in .Net (C#, ASP.Net, VB.Net, VB)  and SharePoint technology. We are working on few of the latest technologies like AJAX, JSF and Web Services.

Nick: Err, we’re not planning…

“Steve”: We also have expertise in XML, SilverLight, IIS 5, 6, and 7, Windows Start button, SQL Server Database, Oracle Database, Access Database, MySql Database, Flat Files…

Nick: Please hold on, we’re not looking to outsource…

“Steve”: …in addition to client software experience customizing Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Clippy, Microsoft Bob…

(10 minutes later)

“Steve”: …As well as Binary Load Lifters, baking, and cattle rustling.

Nick: Umm, I was trying to say that we are not planning on outsourcing our cattle rustling. Thank you and goodbye.

“Steve”: Thank you - I look forward to speaking to you again very shortly, Jonathan.

Nick: (Dial tone)

…

Seriously, is this how we’re supposed to do business? Two companies that obviously don’t know the first thing about each other are expected to work across time zones and culture barriers to create complicated software on time and under budget? Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

I’m not against outsourcing firms, but can you please approach me in a professional manner that indicates you are actually interested in working with me?

Actually the first outsourcing firm that called me has a reputation as scam artists. I even found a website run by outsourcing employees who named it as the worst company to work for! This company wouldn’t take no for an answer and months later were still calling me up and trying to get me to start a project with them (asking for 25% of the money up front, which was apparently their scam). So these unsolicited calls can be funny but annoying and scary at the same time.

Still, the fact they’re doing this means that – like Viagra spammers – they must somehow be getting some bites. So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I’m going to start my own cold-calling to drive business partnerships:

“Nick”: Hi, is this Jeff Bezos?

Jeff Bezos: Speaking.

“Nick”: Hi, I had a detailed look at your website Amazon.com while I was buying DVDs on it, and really liked your focused approach towards e-Business. This focus presents tremendous opportunity between our companies to establish a mutual association towards IT outsourcing. We have a proficient team of IT professionals working in .Net (C#, ASP.Net, VB.Net, VB)  and SharePoint technology…

Jeff Bezos: (Dial tone)

“Nick”: Thank you for your time, Bill.

…

“Nick”: Hello, Larry Ellison? I had a detailed look at your website MySql.com …

Larry Ellison: (Dial Tone)

…

So, anybody else getting caught in the net?